Monday, January 14, 2013
Better Than I Am
I might look better if you turn down the light love
Its quality makes my nonsense a gleaming halo
Humor, a cloaking sarong, falling loosely about worn out knees
Adding a splash of color, making me more, fancy
Walking along the road where the doves are singing their romantic praises
Until I pass, then just rustle with uneasiness in the fading light
I tell them to pardon my intrusion, just trying to fit in
My voice too loud, making me more, lonely
The neon light of the bar hums steadily red
Its promises of companionship, an overzealous marketing ploy
The seats at the counter are empty, save one, native woman
I don’t even register a glance, making me more, empty
The covers are stiflingly hot, my hair soaking my pillow
Again the light, hope you are interested in light, moonlight
Washes over my ordinary features, it won’t stay long
I drift into sleep in the dark, making me more, sickly
My dreams have me pushing a boulder up a mountain
And jumping from the top to the bottom in a single leap
She’s waiting at the bottom, looking at me with admiration
Here, I am better than I am, here I am more, manly
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Oh I love this. And you are very manly, kiddo, trust me, I know these things! I love the end lines of each stanza, their poignancy and whimsy. Loved this.
ReplyDelete5 stanzas, each showing a different aspect of a man who knows his fallibility and hopes to be accepted and loved despite them.. How human is this plea?
ReplyDeleteCorey this is so well-executed, each stanza mirroring itself, yet with its own striking image, all tied together by the blues refrain of those last broken lines. Have no fear, those who love us always see us as we see ourselves in dreams, and give us that dimension in realtime. I especially dug the first stanza--there is nothing sexier than humor(and intelligence) because they show a strength that is able to understand and value the depths of our vulnerability. Lovin your fancy sarong, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful, the humility in this poem... yet I suspect you (or whoever's voice is speaking)... is lovelier than he realizes, soul light is always shows us at our best.
ReplyDeleteThis is so wonderfully written Corey ~ Isn't it that in the eyes of a loved one, we seem to be taller, stronger and more beautiful ~ I like the last verse of each stanza, culminating with this plea: Here, I am better than I am, here I am more, manly ~
ReplyDeleteDo you mind if I feel incline, to write this in the woman's point of view, credit back to your post here ~
That would be fabulous, can't wait if you are so inclined!!!
DeleteThis is great. I especially like your first two lines and what you did with "making me more." Really nice work, Corey.
ReplyDeleteFirst what strikes me is the stanza about the doves...that feeling of getting in the way of beauty...especially nature's beauty...I identify with this.
ReplyDeleteThe second thing that made me stop and mouth, "wow," is the fact that I just mentally revisited a dream I had...one of the portions of the dream I was bounding down the side of a very boulderous, (yeah, spell check says that isn't a word...I disagree ;), any way I was bounding down the side of a boulderous mountain...so crazy...like within the last 24 hrs I was recalling that dream.
Dreams have been a big deal to me this week. Lots of them that feel like they mean something important.
What does this boulder dream coincidence mean, Corey?
Awesome writing as always, friend! :)
First time here, so thanks for commenting at my blog! This is startlingly real, naked in its way. The self-image of the narrator, even down to the hesitant comma before the adjective at the end of each stanza. And dreams, hey, they are all about other possibilities. It's amazing how many of mine came true... Thanks for a wonderful write, and hope to read you again soon. Peace, Amy
ReplyDeletehttp://sharplittlepencil.com/2013/01/13/the-journey-trifecta/
This was wonderfully written, mi amigo. YOu make me proud of this part of my not yet emasculated and non abashed 'manly-ness'.
ReplyDeleteor is that 'unabashed'? Dunno!
ReplyDeleteAh! Your use of light and dark herein is compelling! "turn down the light" to look better, yet to reduce the "gleaming Halo."! The fading light around the doves, the neon light marketing ploy, and then:
ReplyDelete"Again the light, hope you are interested in light, moonlight
Washes over my ordinary features, it won’t stay long
I drift into sleep in the dark, making me more. . ."
O I love the honesty and the playfullness together in this meloious poem.
Old Sissy-fuss never had leaping ability like that, nor a babe waiting at the bottom to blow out of town before that rock can roll back down. There is always a way to beat the game, and come on, admit it, you knew that before you finished the first line.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. Loved each stanza and the different facets it showed of the man. I think this man knows himself well, and thus allowed the reader to know him well also. My favorite stanza is the second....the trying to fit in....and the doves!
ReplyDeletewonderful use of the refrain.superbly done.you combine the modern and the mythic with rare dexterity and ease.brilliant stuff.
ReplyDeleteThose bright lights do glare, highlighting imperfections in even those cocky enough to feel 'ne plus ultra'. That's why I like getting older. I no longer give a flying fig about the thoughts of the guy bellied up to the bar. ;-)
ReplyDeleteyeah, i'd like to hear you sing this one, mister. and i was just thinking tonight, hmmmm, maybe it would be better if we went somewhere the light's down low. sigh.
ReplyDeleteI posted a shortened version, a ghazal sonnet:
ReplyDeletehttp://a-sweetlust.blogspot.ca/2013/01/better-than-i-am.html